YWednesday, November 29, 2006
It Ends Tonight
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such distain
The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends when darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Tonight, Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
_callous_ was here with you at
i see bones sticking out of my shoulders. neck bone visible too.
cant fit into my fave jeans cuz i need a belt to hold it up.
damned.
losing my bloody apetite and i dont know y.
food looks bloody good yet still cant stomach em all.
head's spinning and heart's heavy.im at the peak of life.
i just keep tellin them to bring it on. cuz i aint gona fall in this trap and succumb to failure.
i failed once and no way am i gona fail again.
i know it for sure.
this is life.i've learnt.
tho im exhausted half of the time.stomach's grumbling everytime and eyes keep wanting to shut. im not giving in and im not gona procrastinate work to tomorrow.
changing my perspective of everything.
i'll get through this and walk out smiling with heads up. =)
gona work out again tmr and be healthy. and make sure this mouth, tongue, throat starts liking what i see. and yeah, sleep early? NOT.hehe.
the dumbest thing to do is to regret and wish for things to be undone.
_callous_ was here with you at
YTuesday, November 28, 2006
okay..tis rocks. i wrote tis in the morning while i was alone..
the day can't get any worst..nag.nag.nag.
went to school broke and it's the first day and there's some stupid quiz that im jz gona sit blindly cuz it apparently is solely based on lecture notes (which i obviously dun have).
slept late. woke up damnedddd early still rush. still got the usual nagging throughout the ride...
this is wat he said..
"y r u so irresponsible?! i wasnt lidat...i duno how u got tis way..bla bla bla..."
(of course theres more and he said it in mother tongue.haaha. cant be bothered.)
ENDLESS series of conflicts and arguments and misunderstandings and hurt and crying.
BLEARGH.head is aching.not good.
i swear i wish i was dead.but i'll go to hell so i take that back.
yep...that was how my morning went till i take the quiz and found that it was idiot proof cuz i apparently am working at CBTL and am holding a managerial position so staff welfare and management is actually common sense to me. whoa. my brain actually is still functioning! not bad for someone who went thru meningitis and had mental breakdown with ceasures. WOOHOO!
then then..of course, despite TRYING not to meet each other, we end up meeting again and sang the whole day through.welcome to the heartbreak hotel! haha.
and kak ruz joinnneddd...damned she sang along. glad she had fun.
we are rockers who's gona sing our hearts out thru pain.haha.im crapping.
neways, the day wasnt tat bad after all...my lucky charms are within reach. how can it not be ok? haha. love u guys to bits of crap! i mean it.
now im jz drained and headache is back and my eyes are sore and tired.i wana turn in and drive thru tomorrow. f all the sorrows in this world.
*i wish i was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair*
haha.i just love the thought.so UNcool.but dope.get it?
oh nvm. my twisted brain is on.
nites y'all.
_callous_ was here with you at
YMonday, November 27, 2006
What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
________________________________________
Yeah..it is on repeat cuz i just simply love it.
and u wun be able to imagine the agony of the suay-ness of today.
LATERS!
_callous_ was here with you at
YSaturday, November 25, 2006
let me start with some of the things that matters..heh.
been hospitalized for fuggin 10days and everyday is filled wit tears and injections and antibiotics and docs and nurses and sick people. i HATED it.
BUT i love the ppl who came to visit like everyday..beloved family..buddies..and those i never expected to come like twice or more, (samir and his loved frens..=) and sue, syl, shi) love u guys. hehe.
and i can NEVER forget my beloved cuzzies for their support in goin thru that f-ed phase wit me.
i thank God for keepin me up and running..hehe.Peace.
the past 2weeks have been a huge rollercoaster ride fer me. from hi fever and migraines to brain infection to meningitis to taking out of my effin brain juice wic terribly hurt to cryin in tears cuz im afraid of bein paralysed.heh.
sum it all up=emy's weak.
got discharged and slogged at home then came my buddies wit our usual late nites and then amidst all tis, suddenly came loneliness and emptiness.
a friend of mine got me thinking..
wonder y we keep doin things for the good of the person we truly love just to hurt ourselves in the end?
i went thru this phase once and it sucks to have to go thru it again. mebe this is just how its gona end. there really aint no such thing as a happy ending.
not that i've stopped hoping.heh.
the one thing that im constantly worried abt is school. im nowhere near passing anything.
been sooooo far behind lessons and i duno wat to do to catch up.
wat shud i do???
i need motivation cuz im so bleargh now.
i wake up evry mornin feelin hopeless and dead. im a walkin morbid whose life revolve around hope, entirely. i HOPE i can pass, i HOPE i can be happy, i HOPE i can have a life, i HOPE i can make it, i HOPE hope hope hope..
after all the things said and done..i wonder,
wat is it that i've ranted out?? and do u get my point or wat im feelin rite now?
thought so.
_callous_ was here with you at
YTuesday, November 07, 2006
(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space
(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you
(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you
bleh.
presenting the current song on my mp3.on repeat.
hate me today....yada...
_callous_ was here with you at
there he goes..out my sight again.
silent and far from my heart again.
there he goes.
Bollocks.
double bollocks.
on emo mode AGAIN. BLEAH.
hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.
and it goes on and on and on till someone actually gives a shite.
oh shut up.
BOLLOCKS!!!!
_callous_ was here with you at
YMonday, November 06, 2006
was lost and confused..didnt think i know myself till i met him.
and then it all changed into something that simply hurt.
i was on my usual breakdown wer everything became useless and painful and i got so lost. and he weren't there. i know he aint no mind reader for shites. no one is.
maybe i expect too much. but its not like i didnt try to explain.
i brokedown in remorse and in fear of being alone.
i was literally alone and needed him there. but he couldnt be there.
and its not like he tried. where are we heading to now and what happened to all those promises we made?
is it true what they say? that being in love and trusting someone will just cause u pain in the end?
i don't know.
im still at the state wer i was 2days ago..
wer everything dun seem rite. like im dumped in a pool of thick black tar that's starting to suffocate me..killing me softly..slowly inside..clinging on to the littlest of hope.
im not over-reacting.trust me.
i've tried to keep a strong front..but it's takin it's toll on me.
i have to pull myself out of this. i duno how.but i know i should try.
thanks to my beloved buddies who's been keepin me company till late nites..
i love you guys. for being aound.
and yeah has..we are so gona cut our hair that short and look like twins.
hehe..except that im gona get the lil green hilite..hmmmm.
_callous_ was here with you at